Now I am done with the extreme nausea vomiting, exhausting fatigue, I suppose I can share my experience of my first trimester chronicles. Every pregnancy is different and such a joy, but it can be very hard on the physical body.
My husband and I were surprised and ecstatic to find out we were pregnant with out second child after it took us a little longer to get pregnant with our first. But before we could truly get excited I found out some devastating news. My cycles had been off because I just started weening my daughter at 13 months from breastfeeding so in my head it all made sense. What I didn’t know was that I was actually threatened to have a miscarriage. I found out around six weeks I was pregnant. The baby’s heart was not as strong and I also had a subchorionic hemorrhage. My OB didn’t like the way my ultrasound looked and also suspected I could also possibly have a molar pregnancy. All of that was devastating to me, if I didn’t have any medical knowledge maybe I would not have realized how serious this was, but of course being a physician myself I instantly freaked out. A molar pregnancy?! That’s the rare medical anomalies you read about in medical textbook, that doesn’t really happen!
This was also around the same time of my husband’s two amazing award shows I had to be put together for, as well as traveling abroad for our anniversary trip. Inside I was in pain every time I thought about what my OB said or even started bleeding, I started thinking this is it. I even remember thinking and praying if I am meant to have a miscarriage and my baby isn’t healthy then let’s get it over with so I can Move on life. My OB wanted me to cancel my trip because she suspected I would be bleeding heavily and needing an emergency D&C in Morocco. “What kind of health care are you going to get there during an emergency?” She told us. But my heart and my head did not want to hear or believe that. Maybe I was in denial but I didn’t not want to hear that. So we kept on going like life was normal. We traveled to Morocco, while I was spotting and experiencing all the typical pregnancy symptoms.
It’s been a hard pregnancy for me from day one not only because of the threatened miscarriage but with all of life’s stressors including taking care of my 16month child, and running a small Integrative & Functional Medicine practice. My body was not reacting well to this pregnancy.
There were a lot of things that changed during this time. I couldn’t work out, I couldn’t eat, every time I ate I would throw up. In fact I started getting afraid of eating because I didn’t want to throw up, I didn’t have an appetite anyway but I would force myself because I knew my little baby needed nutrition. I was losing weight. Any other time I would be excited about it but I felt miserable! I was going to bed at 8 o’clock every night after I put my daughter to bed. I didn’t even have the energy to play with her because I was so exhausted after work. I started showing around five weeks, I suppose my uterus had memory from my first pregnancy. But my belly was growing fast and we couldn’t tell a soul. I was paranoid people were going to figure it out soon. I would wear large shirts and jackets to cover myself up and act as normal as I could despite how miserable I felt. I experienced shortness of breath, palpitations, reflux, abdominal discomfort and a sense of fullness. I had all the symptoms of being pregnant but was mortified knowing that this baby may not be viable. My body was a constant reminder 1) that I was infact pregnant and 2)the baby may or may not make it.
We came back from Morocco, had our second ultrasound and the doctor confirmed a strong healthy heart beat, no molar pregnancy and the subchoronic hemorrhage was no where to be found. We actually didn’t tell our family until nine weeks later when our second ultrasound was completely healthy and normal.
So to all the moms who have been told you are about to have a miscarriage, think again, be positive and pray about it because you ultimately can have a different outcome. Miscarriages happen in about 10 to 15 women, but you don’t have to be a statistic, your mind is powerful, so be careful what you tell it and how you let it dictate your health. I was fortunate to have a good support system from my husband. Every time I started getting depressed because I was spotting and start thinking I was losing the baby, he would snap me out of it. I have always been spiritual and been a meditator but during this time especially I visualized a healthy baby and healthy pregnancy instantly. I truly believe because I turned inward I was able to visualize and experience a different outcome. I don’t know how else to explain it except the universe heard my prayers.
I know and understand this may not always be the case for other mothers. But, I do want to say my heart goes out to any other mother who was being threatened with miscarriage or pregnancy, or to mothers who have lost babies at 5 weeks, 22 weeks or even like my own mother who experienced a still born. The bond a mother has with her baby happens instantly when she finds out she is pregnant. A lot of women say it’s better to lose a baby early on because usually there is something wrong with the baby. I say visualize a different positive outcome and pray for a healthy baby.
But I kept telling myself, this is just a phase. It will pass. I had such an easy pregnancy with Soraya and now I could relate what other women were going through. To all the moms out there that have experienced this or something similar, it’s okay to talk about it and know you’re not alone!